Day 21 I think (and 16, 17, 18, 19, 20...)

Sorry I've been away, dear internet diary. Know that this is how my soul felt without your presence

Seriously. I was this sad llama. 

While it would be SO FUN to go through my food diary for the past however many days (I hate math and refuse to count how many there were), I think we can all imagine how well it went.

In all actuality, it really did go surprisingly well! I've finally started noticing some huge physical differences in my body. I'm at a point where I'm comfortable with my weight and feel, well, healthy and currrrvvyyyyy. From my calculations, I think I've lost over 10 pounds without working out. Well, there was one night I talked to Levi on the phone for like an hour and walked on a 12% incline at 1.5 mph if you count that. 

Not only have I noticed a difference, so have other people! I have transformed from the sad llama to this happy llama. 

Shaggy hair and all 

Easter was really difficult for me even though all of our meals were basically paleo (praise the Lord for my ever-supportive and health crazed family!). I recall driving home from Mass with Levi, Lucy, and my friend Brett and craving Dairy Queen and tacos hardcore. EVERYTHING non-Paleo sounded freaking delicious. Thankfully (kinda), Levi didn't stop and told me that I can't quit now. 

Me looking at DQ as we drove by. 

Besides the temptations of margaritas and sangrias and Granny's banana cake, I survived and Easter was incredibly fun. Levi, Claire, Brett and I all played Kan-Jam, which is the best game in the entire world. The whole family was there, and it was crowded, chaotic, and perfect. Here's some pictures for your enjoyment. 

Annual Hilger Easter Jumping Photo 

When Mimi takes your spotlight 

We love this one because Dad is levitating haha 

Right before she threw poop at us 

Thanks for letting me do a photo splurge. I'm a little nervous about the end of my Whole30 because I will be in Chicago on days 29 and 30 (!!!!!! GOING TO SEE VAN GOGH!!!!!!!) 

Yes, you heard that right. Sara and I will be going with the Art Club to Chicago to see Van Gogh. And I'm so freaking excited. Also want deep dish pizza. 

Maybe I'll finish the Whole30 when I return? Eat 80/20 on the trip? I haven't decided yet, but I'm slowly becoming okay with whatever choice I decide. I'm also nervous that my stomach will EXPLODE if I reintroduce food back into my system while on a 8+ car ride, so I might reintroduce a few foods early. Thoughts? 

Also, the flowers are beginning to bloom and I'm SO DANG EXCITED! 

Dang, it's good to be back. 

How I Feel Today: 

Day 15 (I see the light)

THIS IS OFFICIALLY THE HALWAY POINT!!!! 

it needed to be extra large 

A day that began in darkness has now seen the light.

WHY?! Let me tell you....

   This morning, I woke up to my 2 freaking beautiful and incredible nieces being freaking adorable. They came over to play with MiMi (Grandma) and they just make my heart so happy. If you ever want to hear more stories about them, you should follow my sister's blog because it's hilarious (theleppers.blogspot.com) Shameless shoutout. 

   Anyways, I had one egg, 2 pieces of bacon, and a handful of cashews this morning....and ended up with the shi***s. I was so angry that I finally caved and went on the Whole30 Forum to see what the heck was wrong with me. 

   I moped, said I wasn't losing weight/not feeling the magic, and gave this morning's example. TWO moderators commented almost immediately saying, "Hello! You're not eating enough! Bacon and cashews are a form of fat and you're not having hardly any protein for your meals. You need to eat MORE." 

My reaction

Never in my entire life has anyone told me I should eat more. Okay, well newsflash for me. Apparently eating enormous amounts of cashews can hurt your stomach (why my tummy hurts constantly) AND I've basically been eating ten pounds of fat, which would explain why I haven't lost any weight AND I haven't been eating enough...which could explain my lack of energy? 

Who knows. All I know is that this was me for the rest of the day: 

WHERE THE FOOD AT?!?!?

Pretty much.

Ergo, for lunch I had half a 3/4 a chicken breast, TONS of spinach and...something else I can't remember. I ran off to go get tea with a friend (mine was Darjeeng - so much fun to say) and, please give me a round of applause, I paid for a little almond milk to be put in. AND! I double checked this time!!! Unlike Scooters, I asked to see the carton, and sure enough, it was sweetened. 

NICE TRY, DAIRY!!! THIS STOMACH IS LOCKED DOWNNNNNN. *cue the movie Hitch* 

After work, I went to Hyvee and bought a crap load of vegetables and some handsome shrimp for tomorrow. Then, for dinner I ate half an avocado, a burger, a handful of carrots and 3/4 a can of green beans. 

Guess what? I kinda feel......full. 

How I Felt Today: 

LOTR, always coming in strong

Day 14

Today was a good day. 

I knew from the get-go that Ma and I were going to a doctor's appointment and then shopping afterwards for engagement outfits (woohoo!!!)

For breakfast, I had a banana, 2 pieces of bacon, and a handful of salted cashews. In my Communication and Gender class, we talked about the gendered education system we have in place. 

Think about it: many young boys have trouble in school because they are told to sit down and be quiet/don't move. What child (especially boys) doesn't have energy that needs to be released in those younger grades? Or, many women and minorities find it difficult to imagine themselves in places of power, science teachers, administrative, etc. because there are no images or examples in the textbooks we read. Our textbooks are full of men and the accomplishments they have made. My professor said she read in a history book, "...the pioneers took their wives and cattle with them". Is that to say the women weren't pioneers as well? Just something interesting to think about. 

#squadgoals2

Anyways, after the doctor's appointment, Ma and I went to Chipotle for lunch and then Francescas for a heck of a good time. I hadn't spent much time with just Ma recently and it was so good to be with her, especially in regards to such an exciting day of my life. 

I know, I know, physical appearance isn't everything, but it's been a real struggle to "feel" pretty lately, especially with my hair. I've been trying to grow my bangs out and I realized I miss them almost as much as I miss donuts. The goal was to find a few outfits that would help my self-esteem, so I could whole heartedly focus on Levi during our pictures. I have to say, I found some pretty DANG good dresses.

For dinner, Ma made some guac and I had plantain chips and salted cashews. It was pretty chill. Then, I passed out on the couch.

This whole day I had runny poops and my stomach hurt. At Chipotle, I had a salad with double barbacoa and mild salsa. I ate almost the whole thing and I wasn't full. Still have no idea what's wrong with my body. I messaged my old Paleo personal trainer and she said my system might still be fixing itself. BLAH. Oh well, 16 days to go.

How I Felt That Day: 

Day 13

Success for the day - I woke up early and didn't miss my rhetoric class! Woohoo! I was able to grab a few pieces of bacon and a handful of cashews on my way out the door, only to return to coffee when I returned.

My love-hate relationship with coffee has ascended to a unhealthy level. You see, pre-Whole30, I loved my coffee with creamer, etc. Now (that coffee has successfully grasped ahold of my brain and LIFE) I can't go a day without it and I think the black coffee is hurting my stomach. I actually resent having to drink it black but it's like a drug that I don't want.

How I was PRE-Whole30 

My hatred of coffee during Whole30 

Anyways, I think coffee has a mind of its own because I was getting read to go through de-caffination  when I realized that the decaf coffee at home had chocolate in it.

    

    You might be wondering, "What the hell kind of coffee has chocolate in it?" 

   

    Let me explain something to you about my father. My father is one of the greatest men that I know - a fire inspector, bomb technician, and USAR member. His kryptonite, however, is McDonalds Mocha Frappes*. He gets 1-3 of these little sugar punches per day, and even knows the exact amount of money each size is during regular hours and, of course, happy hours. Cause what makes a sugar addict happier than a cheap shot of chocolate straight to the heart? Nothing. 

This Mocha Frappe addiction was not only costly on the paycheck, but also on his health. My parents try to eat as Paleo as they can manage. As you can probably guess, Mocha Frappes are NOT Paleo. Since then, my father has tried everything to recreate a "paleo" Mocha Frappe, which included buying coffee grounds mixed with chocolate. 

Dad taking a selfie on Christmas 

This is why we had chocolate coffee. And that is why I was not able to start my fight against caffeine today (alas, you win again).

   For lunch, I had leftover kalua pork (still going strong) and a crap ton of spinach. I even made a little art that I will show you. 

My future initials <3 <3
I didn't want to rotate it. Sorry not sorry  

Afterwards, I went on the treadmill to do some high interval training, but then I remembered how much I hate running on treadmills. So instead I upped the incline to 12% and walked for 2 episodes of New Girl (how I measure time) - and cried because it was the season finale. Literally, I am Jess. My friend in high school used to call me Jess because I am so much like her in awkwardness. Plus, some even say I look like her....I'll let you decide. 

THEN, I met with my florist for my wedding!!!! (who also happens to be my boss...) It was pretty exciting. Ma came with and we had a lovely time as I drank some caffeinated tea (was boycotting coffee at the moment).

On a more serious note, this day has been difficult. I'm not seeing any results I was expecting. I'm still hungry all the time and my stomach/poop is still super weird. I haven't lost much, if any weight, and I'm finding it hard to stay positive.

Levi is such a babe and spent time talking to me about the positive things from this experience, but it's so difficult to see. I'm not happy eating this way. Sure, I like the challenge, but after the 30 days....then what? 

I've read so many places that I will love the way I feel/look after the 30 days to the point where I won't want to return to my old ways, but I haven't even begun to experience anything like that. I still would rather eat a box of cookies instead of spending an hour in the kitchen or running 3 miles. I don't know if my brain can ever "reset" to "healthy". Plus, I have polycystic ovaries, which is definitely not helping the weight loss factor. 

As I've stated before, I'm going to finish the Whole30 mostly because I told myself I would. It's great discipline for me and it's become somewhat routine. I'm just doubting the end results will ever be anything greater than what a donut looks like to me. #collegestudentforlife

How I Felt Today: 

*Specifically a medium mocha frappe with no whipped cream but keep the chocolate drizzle. 

Day 12 (Revenge of the Leafy Greens)

According to the Whole30 timeline, I've made it past the breaking point - woohoo! They said people generally quit on days 10 and 11, well damn! Look at me trotting over here on Day 12.

 

In reality, this day's been pretty tough. I haven't seen much (or any) difference in my weight or measurements. I've been looking at all the Whole30 "inspiration" and it's made me slightly sad. I'm not as much worried about the diet anymore, mostly because I've become used to it. Eating out at Chipotle wasn't bad, I didn't miss the rice as much as I thought I would.

I have yet to see any energy change, weight loss, or help with my headaches. Blah. To top it off, I had to deal with FAFSA all day trying to get them to STOP BILLING MY PARENTS because hello. I'm still in college, people. 

Ma also informed me today that the reason I may not be losing weight is because I'm eating too many calories/too much sugar. What the heck. I was so pissed. Maybe I read it wrong somewhere, but I thought you were able to eat anything that's Whole30 and not worry about it making you gain weight? Blah. So now I'm tracking my caloric (never thought I'd ever say that) intake on MyFitnessPal and I decided to work out. Whatever. Okay, body. Be messed up. 

Apparently I wasn't eating enough leafy greens - 

     Mom: You aren't eating enough leafy greens

     Amanda: Aren't avocados green?

     Mom: No. Those are fats.

     Amanda: Asparagus?

     Mom: It's okay...

     Amanda: OKAY WHAT ABOUT BROCCOLI?! ITS GREEN AND LOOKS LIKE A FRICKEN TREE

     Mom:.....still not a leafy green but sure, eat broccoli all day long. That won't make you gain weight.

Sorry, carrots. I gotta peace ya. So tonight I had my leftover kahlua pork (still going strong) and the entire plate was covered with spinach aka LEAFY GREENS. Literally. The whole plate, it even covered the meat. I did it slightly to be healthy but also to be sassy. By myself. (Sassy at myself?) Whatever.

This is how I've felt today:

BRING IT, LEAFY GREENS 

Day 11

Sunday, good ole' Sunday. 

Specifically PALM Sunday (Yay Jesus!). Levi and I sang at 9:00 AM Mass and overtime the word "palm" came up, I accidentally said the word "psalm" every. single. time. And each time Levi would look over at me and smirk  on his perfect, beautiful face. 

AHA! I captured it on camera. "Levi Smirk: 

After I woke up late to get to Mass, I returned home to eat my leftover chicken strips/BBQ sauce with various veggies and fruits and rushed off to work from 12-5. 

For din-din, I met up with my soul sister, Sara, whom I hadn't seen in practically forever. Okay, it was really around two days, but it felt like forever. Remember me saying that I've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off? So has Sara and it was so unbelievably good to sit down and hang with her, even if we applied for internships and did homework. 

We got din-din at Chipotle mostly because that's one place I can eat and they randomly sent my house a "One Free Meal" coupon - just for the heck of it! I think they probably sent it because they've had so many cases of e-coli and their business is hurting, but I chose to ignore that. 

Instead, I got myself a salad with double barbacoa and mild salsa. Let's think about this - I got SALSA on my Chipotle. This was a first for me (so much so that I even called Levi to tell him). It was delicious. I'm thinking of risking e-coli again sometime soon.

This is Sara 

After din-din ( I really like that word), we went to Scooters to do homework. Now, I made sure that they had unsweetened almond milk (the barista double checked), but he shouted "Cafe Latte with almond milk" back to the lady making the drinks and I'm pretty sure she made it with regular almond milk. So I took a few sips and threw it away, but my tummy was upset that night. Did I eat too much at Chipotle? Was it my 2nd cup of coffee? Was it the possibly unsweetened almond milk? 

Who knows. All I know is that my paper is not due this week like I thought, but next week. 

How I felt that day: 

Day 10

Okay, I've lost a few days and will be catching up today - I promise.

Honestly, I've just been exhausted and running around like a chicken with it's head cut off trying to get things done (i.e. homework, internship applications, and wedding things). Actually, my uncle got chased by a chicken with its head cut off when he was little. Apparently it was hilarious. I'll google "chicken with a head cut off" and let you know what I get below.

#squadgoals 

In the moments when I have had a chance to eat or think about Whole30, I've been doing pretty darn well. Levi and I went to see Deadpool in those amazing seats I told you about (they're pretty much like a bed) and it was fantastic. When I say fantastic, I don't mean "omg take your child to Deadpool because it has such good morals". I mean fantastic like the feeling you get while doing something that's probably not the best for you and giggling like a 2 year old hearing the word pooping. 

For me, watching Deadpool was like sneaking my hand in the cookie jar and eating all. the. dang. cookies. Great, terrible for you, and makes you a little queasy. None of my guy friends thought I would like it, but I think somewhere inside me lives a little testosterone-filled Hobbit. In fact, Claire and I used to have "girls nights" as we watched the A-Team. I can't help it. I love me a good action movie, like 300. OMG LOVE 300. 

the hobbit inside (that should be a movie title) 

Anyways, I lasted the WHOLE movie without anything but water and the smell of popcorn all around. At one point right as the movie was about to start, Levi (bless his heart), leaned over and pulled out some Reese's as he said, "Are you ready for this?!" He was talking about the movie, but my sweet-lacking tooth naturally thought he was talking about the Reese's and I scoffed. 

After that, we went home and chilled. That's pretty much the story. 

How I felt that day: 

Day 9

Okay, does this program really work?

I was venting to my friend Emily who is on Day 6 and I just miss eating out. I'm not necessarily craving anything, I just miss the social aspect of it. Emily pointed out how problematic our culture can be because everything revolves around either food or drinking. She's had to ask her friends to change some plans because of Whole30. Luckily, she said, they were super awesome about it, but MAN this can be frustrating.

One thing I've found that makes it easier is offering this diet up for someone close to me. Instead of doing it for myself, it gives me a purpose. Yay, Jesus! Speaking of Jesus, Day 9 was a Friday in Lent, which is very difficult for me since I'm a Catholic. Fridays = no meat = half of my diet is cut.

What I ate was cashews, coffee, and guacamole with plantain chips. I also went into work early and organized all the cute new clothes we got. (Super cute, but my feet are killing me. I can only stand and steam so many shirts before my feet give out. Sure, I was wearing mini-heeled-boots, but still....)

Literally the creepiest picture I could find, but that's how it felt 

I also took some medication for my near-constant dizziness, and one side effect was grogginess. OKAY DOCTOR. At around 6 PM, I couldn't focus on anything because my eyes wouldn't stay open. I was supposed to celebrate two of my closest friends' 21st birthdays that night but Nooooo.... I couldn't stay awake to save my life. Therefore, I couldn't drive.

I literally passed out at 8:15 PM on the couch and woke up at 9:00 AM the next day. Oh boy oh boy that knocked me out.

How I felt yesterday:

Day 8

Late in the evening on Day 7... I put some pork steaks into the slow cooker (my first time) and made some Kalua Pig. Man, on man, it is delicious! Only three ingredients (pork, red Hawaiian salt, and garlic), but when I was ripping it up in the morning, I kept sneaking bites. At 9 AM. Eating meat. This should tell you a little about my life.

Me when someone comes between my meat and I 

At work, we had wine, green lemonade, mini brownies and popcorn - and I didn't eat anything! Although I wanted to sip something and eat a few brownies, the thought that went through my head was, "If I'm going to cheat, I want it to at least be on something good" 

If that's what it's taking, well, alrighty then. Haha. I had that meat for lunch AND dinner (and a little bit of breakfast) and managed to get through the day without many snacks. 

Dad did buy salted cashews and I might've eaten half the bag (who knew that one ingredient could mean SO much?!). Later that night, my stomach started hurting. I think it might've been from either the olives or the pickles that I ate...just gonna avoid those like the plague for the next 22 days. 

That's it. I'm tired. I'm apathetic. Here's a joke to get you through the day 

As I told Ma, I keep waiting for that magic moment that people say hits and you feel like a million bucks. I still feel the same as I always have. 

This is how I felt that day: 

Day 7

My awesome friends recorded an acoustic version of Remix to Ignition and I am hardcore jammin right now. (Claire, Nick, you know who you are)

This is the day. I'm officially one week in and I'm so unbelievably apathetic towards this right now. About 6 times I almost went to buy Runza french fries or Dairy Queen - especially after I had to get my finger pricked and by a doctor who's last name has the word Butt in it. 

Why was I in the doctor? you might ask. Aren't you supposed to be super-hero-fied during the Whole 30? Well, I've been getting randomly dizzy and lightheaded/hot flashes whenever I move my head too fast or look around too much.

    Example: I hate going grocery shopping because I have to try and focus on 10423874 things at once and I get lightheaded.

I realized that explaining this to the Doctor is a lot more difficult than I'd expect. Basically, my blood sugar and blood pressure are fine, but I may have something wrong with my ears or eyes or having a side effect from medication. You know, just your normal detective hunt to see why you keep wanting to pass out. -_-

On a happier note, I made homemade chicken nuggets and Whole30 BBQ sauce, which I had for lunch and dinner.

I just want to eat ice cream. Not in the, OMG I'm craving it so much, but the, man, I wish I could eat some ice cream right now.

I'm apathetic. I want to quit, but I won't because I have goals and whatever

This is how I feel today (specifically about ice cream):

Day 6

I think the carb flu is officially over. While my stomach is still janky a little, I have no more headache!

I am waiting for the extra energy to kick in, because I would love to become a morning bird.

Meal wise, I had my coffee and cashews for breakfast as I ran off to my Ancient Rhetoric class, then made some guacamole with plantain chips for lunch. After my Communication Theory class, I went home and made Levi, Ma, and I some bacon-wrapped chicken breasts and my asparagus.

Tonight, Levi tried to correct my asparagus, and he even made me take some off the skillet before they were completely crispified! I know, I know, horrifying. But Levi is a cook himself, so....

All day, Levi and I were deciding whether we wanted to go see Zootopia or Deadpool for $5 movie night tonight, WITH the new seats. (Levi has sat in them, I have yet to do so). 

This is what I would've looked like if they hadn't been sold out. 

So we pull up to the movie theatre, and I, having packed my 'bootch and homemade larabars in my purse to be sneaky (Levi said I was completely obvious...my straw was sticking out of my purse), was ready for this action. I was going to tell you what movie we decided on but it doesn't matter because all the freaking seats were sold out. So, we sunk our tails behind our legs and drove the whole 3 minutes home and watched Arrested Development after a half hour of deciding what to watch.

Sometimes I wonder if other people take as much time as Levi and I to pick a movie/TV show. 

Regardless, I realized today that Whole30 isn't difficult as long as you forget about the food you're missing. This is the conversation that happened with Levi and I as I was making dinner.

      Levi: Amanda, you know what sounds good? 

      Amanda: What? 

      Levi: SHOOT! Nevermind, it'll make you sad.

      Amanda: What is it? DQ? Runza? Indian food? Pancheros? Noodles? Alfredo? Granite City? 

     Levi: *sad face as he says our favorite Mexican restaurant* 

     Amanda: Omg. You know, the thing I probably miss the most is Mexican................and Italian.............and buns, and Runza ranch, and french fries, and cheese

     

It was at that moment that my stomach sunk and I realized how much I was missing. 

me thinking about donuts 

Then, I had to forget. I think that's what the Whole30 is all about - changing what you crave. I don't think it's going to work for me. Honestly, I love my Mexican and Runza ranch too much to let go. Sure, I can sacrifice 30 days for completely selfish reasons, but my whole life? *See kitten above*

Also, I've been having dreams about food. 

24 days to go. I can do this. Mom says she's noticed a difference in my face #goals 

So, this is how I've been feeling today